The 5 Most Beautiful Houseplants for You to Accidentally Kill this Summer

It’s summer once again and just because you are stuck at home quarantining doesn’t mean you can’t bring outside life to you.

Everyone loves beautiful houseplants! They brighten up any space, are great for your indoor air, and even though you try your hardest to follow their care instructions, they will be dead within the week.

5. Monstera

Photo by Mike Marquez on Unsplash

Initial Thoughts: Wow, look at this beautiful plant. It’s borderline exotic. It will look great in the corner next to my Zoom call background bookshelf.

Cause of Death: Supposedly an easy-going plant, yours will die when you can’t take the summer heat anymore and pump the A/C so low you have to wear a sweater indoors. This causes the plant to go into “cold shock,” making the leaves curl inward. You will mistake this for overwatering and stop watering the plant entirely.

Fun Fact: Known also as the Swiss-Cheese Plant. Don’t let the nickname fool you, this plant does not grow cheese.

4. Fiddle Leaf Fig

Photo by Mike Marquez on Unsplash

Initial Thoughts: Remember how you used to go outside and see those tall, looming plants? What were they called? Trees? Here’s a tree-like growth of your very own, inside your house.

Cause of Death: At first it seems like this plant will look good in the living room but after a week or so you move it into the guest bedroom. Bad news, this plant hates to be moved from one location to another. It sheds all its leaves and dies, despite your perfect watering schedule.

Fun Fact: Also called the ‘Fickle Leaf Fig’ these plants are notoriously hard to care for. Why did you even buy one of these?

3. Petite White Orchid

Photo by Kai Oberhauser on Unsplash

Initial Thoughts: A living flower?? In your home?? What are you, a 4-star, moderately priced hotel? Maybe if you put this in your dining room the next time your grandma visits she won’t ask when you’re going to have children, because you already have this HEALTHY PLANT CHILD.

Cause of Death: After one blooming cycle, the plant wilts and loses all of its flowers. This is supposed to happen. Devastated that you appear to have killed another plant, you will throw it in the trash without googling the care instructions.

Fun Fact: Known as the ‘beginner’s orchid,’ it is the easiest variety of orchid to have as a houseplant. Knowing this will give you a false sense of confidence, making the loss that much harder.

2. Coffee Plant

Photo by Max Letek on Unsplash

Initial Thoughts: On your monthly supply run you stop by Trader Joe’s and notice these adorable new plants, each inside its very own Trader Joe’s coffee mug. You see that it’s called a ‘coffee plant’ and find the cup so clever you just have to buy it.

Cause of Death: This plant requires good drainage, something that helps to prevent root rot. However, it also needs it’s soil to always be moist. These two conflicting ideas will give you anxiety and lead to you effectively drowning the plant.

Fun Fact: It takes 3–5 years of ideal indoor growing conditions for the plant to flower. The flowers are what eventually become coffee beans, although one plant will not produce enough beans for a full brew. Enjoy roasting your 3 beans.

  1. Golden Pothos
Photo by Severin Candrian on Unsplash

Initial Thoughts: Well, guess we’ll try this one because it’s supposed to be unkillable. Surely if Derek at work can keep one of these alive in his cubicle so can you.

Cause of Death: The golden pothos likes for its soil to completely dry in between waterings. Your overconfidence of the plant being unkillable leads you not to water it at all.

Fun Fact: Supposedly easily propagated by taking stem cuttings and rooting them in water or in potting soil. Thinking that you could be a plant grandmother, you try this. However, your stem cuttings never take root and you bury the baby plants with the mother plant in the walkway between your apartment and the 7–11.

This list only includes 5 houseplants and there are so many other gorgeous houseplants that would be perfect in your home. With a little time and some research, you can care for hundreds of different kinds of indoor plants that die despite your best efforts. Or you can just buy fake ones. They look the same.

An alum of Chicago’s The Second City, iO, & other comedy schools. Began writing as a kid, when I was 10 I won an award for an embarrassing poem about dolphins.

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