Clever Ways to Hide Your Crushing Depression

Could a depressed person do THIS?

Photo by Pim Chu on Unsplash

Sometimes when you’re depressed it’s very important for everyone in your life to think you are fine. Including yourself. That’s where this list will come in super handy!

Borne from years of very personal experience, here are my tips and tricks for pretending everything is fine because you don’t want to talk about this right now, can we just go back to watching The Office, thanks.

Tips & Tricks for Hiding Your Crushing Depression

Wear athletic clothes through bouts of insomnia, when your roommate gets up for work at 5 am it will appear as though you are headed to the gym.

When self-medicating with alcohol, take the time to use a glass with a garnish. Bonus: Add a small umbrella for extra cheerfulness.

If you are caught lying face down on the floor, explain that you are merely trying to bring back the planking challenge.

Take a cue from cartoon characters and purchase several pairs of identical shirts and pants. No one will know you have been wearing the same thing for weeks when all you ever wear is a black t-shirt and jeans.

Hygiene can be difficult in times of deep depression. Use household cleaners to improve your stale body scent. We are partial to Pledge, Fabuloso, and Method’s Almond-Scented Wood Floor Cleaner. Do not ingest.

Openly weeping is a dead giveaway to your current state of mind, practice laughing while crying. Now it will look as though you are enjoying a fun joke.

If brushing your teeth has become an insurmountable task, simply eat a dollop of toothpaste. Be sure to chew thoroughly!

Are you receiving a lot of concerned texts from nosy family and friends? There are a variety of ways to handle this. Our favorite is to preemptively post on social media that your phone is not working and that you can be reached by email. Set up an auto-reply for your inbox that says you are doing great, just really busy right now, and you would love to get together when things calm down.

Prepare for when you can no longer get out of bed by building a blanket fort. This will both hide you from others and give you a place to have fun adventures with your best friends, Mr. Pillow and Captain Uncharged Phone.

Like it or not, eventually, someone will show up to your home to check on you. The last thing you want is for them to become so concerned that they enter your home uninvited. When the pop-in inevitably happens, you have only one choice. The “Mrs. Doubtfire.” Keep a bathrobe, hair towel, and pie tin of whipped cream near the front door. A quick throwing on of these items and you aren’t someone anyone should be worried about — you are enjoying a lovely spa day, and they have interrupted it. A pleasant “HELLOOOOOOO — thanks for stopping by,” will send them on their merry way. When you are confident they have gone, it’s time to kick back, ponder the meaninglessness of life, and enjoy some face pie.

Note: This list was not made to be taken seriously, these are the sort of things I think about when I’m going through a bout of depression. If you are depressed you’re not alone, there are many resources to get help, including:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1–800–273–8255

Samaritans 24 Hour Crisis Hotline (open 24/7): 212–673–3000

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness

United Way Helpline (which can help you find a therapist, healthcare, or basic necessities): 800–233–4357

An alum of Chicago’s The Second City, iO, & other comedy schools. Began writing as a kid, when I was 10 I won an award for an embarrassing poem about dolphins.

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