As your Final Girl, the sole survivor of every horror movie, I think it’s time we talked about how ludicrous it is that you never believe me. You’re always telling me I’m wrong, or crazy, or worried about nothing. So, here we are being chased by a psychotic maniac again, and I still don’t think it’s the “perfect time to throw a party,” Heather.

I’ll admit, some of the things that I have said or done could have been written off as my imagination. The guy in the William Shatner mask and blue jumpsuit outside of our history class that…

Having an active social life can be difficult when you’re an introvert who prefers to be home alone because you don’t want people to witness you knocking things over as you try to control your wild hands. It’s just so discouraging when you try to socialize with someone new, but you don’t know what to say, and also you can’t stop shaking their hand, and your handshake gets faster and faster until they’re forced to push you away. We’ve all been there. Here’s how to fix it:

Practice in the Mirror

Practice telling a story in the mirror. It can be about anything, except…

(a Goop-brand Luxury Covid Bunker)

Autumn is upon us, and usually, that would mean it’s time for my seasonal yoni steam. However, as we are still living through a pandemic (likely caused by food toxins and angry parasites), I will have to make a DIY steam. Luckily the Rhombus has a Luxury, Ethically Sourced steaming hose. It’s not the same as a spa experience, but it’s close! I’m sure we all know by now how much psychic energy gets trapped in our vaginas without proper cleansing.

Being inside for months has me missing being social with my fellow humans. Every…

Or Books I Threw Across the Room

Ah, classic literature. The height of story-telling, what all writers aspire to create. AKA required reading from high school that you half-heartedly skimmed. Is there anything better? Turns out, yes.

Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein

Legacy: Frankenstein is one of the most recommended books on Five Books, with literary scholars, psychologists, novelists, and historians citing it as an influential text. The novel today is generally considered to be a landmark work of romantic and gothic literature, as well as science fiction.

Expectations: This will be a fun read — I love weird science experiment stories and general terror…

Helen,

You remember me, I used to hang out with your brother. He gave me your email because he owed me a favor for saving him from an ugly chick. Remember that time you came into the basement when we were playing Sonic and I said you’d be a lot prettier if you smiled? That was good advice, now you can return the favor.

I hereby declare my intentions to be hired for the position of social media marketing manager.

There are so many things that I am great at, you would be a total idiot not to have me…

When you woke up this morning, you thought it was Tuesday, but now you’re pretty sure it’s Friday. You’re so exhausted that you can’t manage the smallest tasks, even though you haven’t been doing anything. Whoever would have thought watching Netflix and lying on the couch every day would be so draining?

Does this sound familiar? You aren’t alone. Most of us, and by us, I mean the responsible people staying inside their homes because of a deadly virus, are experiencing fatigue. …

Could a depressed person do THIS?

Sometimes when you’re depressed it’s very important for everyone in your life to think you are fine. Including yourself. That’s where this list will come in super handy!

Borne from years of very personal experience, here are my tips and tricks for pretending everything is fine because you don’t want to talk about this right now, can we just go back to watching The Office, thanks.

Tips & Tricks for Hiding Your Crushing Depression

Wear athletic clothes through bouts of insomnia, when your roommate gets up for work at 5 am it will appear as though you are headed to the gym.

…

A Binary Love Story

Chris was unlike anyone I had ever met; smart, charming, incredibly thoughtful. When we first met, I was still emotionally unavailable from a bad breakup. I held him at a distance. My defenses were up, and my heart was still raw. But somehow, he broke through.

He came into the small coffee shop where I worked every Tuesday and ordered a black coffee. I would tease him about his choice — we were known for our special flavored, unique lattes. Chris would just smile and say, “I guess I’m not wired that way.” …